Your Questions About Stilettos In The Kitchen

Helen asks…

Do I have potential to be a writer?

I just would like feed back on this small part of a random story. Yes I am aware that there are many grammar mistakes in it, so don't keep pointing it out. Is there anything I could do to improve this? (For example, more detail, etc). Was it weird? Too random? Good? Disturbing? Thanks: ) Lalya was so beatiful. She had eyes of that of a wise mountian lion. Lust filled the room. I could resist her no longer. I grabbed her by the waist, and pinned her to the wall by her rists. I kissed her, forcing my tongue in her mouth. For a minute, she resisted me but soon gave in to my persistence. I ripped off her shirt, like a animal. I started giving her a hickie, sucking and bitting her kneck. She softly moaned signaling me that she liked it. I then unhooked her bra, and snatched it off. Lalya grabbed the bottom of my shirt, and pulling it off over my head. "Im not sure I can do this" Lalya whispered in my ear. "Please, I need this, I need you Layla, just let me in, don't resist me" I begged her, kissing her kneck. "I never gave my body to anyone before, I just want it to be special" Lalya admitted. I picked Lalya up and carried her to my bedroom. I layed her on my bed, looking in her eyes. "Don't move, i've got your special " I commanded. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed honey,sugar, and chocolate syrup. When I re-entered the room, Lalya was laying on my bed wearing nothing but a thong and her stilettos. Her long black hair was down flowing like a waterfall, and lip gloss reapplied. As I approched the bed, I thought that this was it, the point of no return. The next morning, I was welcomed by the smell of bacon and something sweet. As I looked over, I noticed stains from the food, and myself. Completely naked, I jumped out of bed and went straight to the bathroom.I brushed my teeth, and washed my face. After, I walked over to the kitchen. Lalya wearing one of my shirts, was standing in front of the stove cooking. I approached her from behind and started kissing her kneck, holding her hips. "Goodmorning babe, smells good" I said smiling. " Well, after last night, you deserve it" Lalya said, turning back to kiss me. "Well when your finished, how about I earn my dinner?" I asked caresing her body. Lalya smiled and led me to the table. She sat a large stack of pancakes, and a rather large quantity of bacon in front of me. She then gave me a fork and syrup. Once she saw that I didn't need anything else, she went to the bathroom, and that's when I heard the shower. As I was eating, i couldn't help but notice how delicious the pancakes were. It was a sweet and spicy taste to it.

Our pick of the answers:

First of all, I want to say that everyone has the potential to be a writer. You only need to nurture it, read a lot, and write a lot, then you're a writer. Congratulations. Actually, you wrote this, so technically, you already are a writer. Oh, you want to be a published author and make money off of it. Well why didn't you say so? This would not be the proper thing to show, then--what matters is how you can write plot, or character, not sex scenes. Unless you're trying to be the next Nora Roberts. And speaking of characterization, you say "lust filled the room," but then you don't portray Layla as particularly lustful. So either change how you write Layla or write "lust filled me." Also, she seems awfully willing to have sex for a virgin who "want[s] it to be special." That pretty much loses me. By the time you're getting honey, sugar, and syrup--oh, and a virgin wearing a thong and stilettos? Yeah, right.--by then you've completely lost me. Can you see why? What's interesting about a book is how you develop a character. Here, it feels like the characters are awkward and have no sense of personality, but are doing things because the author wants them to do things. It doesn't make for a particularly compelling read. Also, your narrator is lusting after Layla. Is he seriously thinking about her eyes? And by comparing her, via simile, to a "mountain lion," I instantly think of lion's manes, and I think she's blond. Maybe pick a different description that fits better. It's okay writing, but it definitely could be a lot better, not even considering spelling and grammar. My advice to you? Write a lot. I promise, you'll become a better writer ;-)

Donna asks…

an intro i wrote for a story i thought up. Please check it out?

any and all opinions wanted. "Dead, for lack of a better word is how most people describe a person of my nature. 'He is heartless!' a women would say once she has heard of my terrible doings. A strange term heartless, you'd say it in the sense that the person has no compassion or soul. But really your brain controls those emotions. All you heart does is slowly kill you if you have been, say, gutted with a kitchen knife or stabbed in the neck with a stiletto. Few have an explanation for things I do. 'He is monstrous!' or, 'He is demon from hell!' Well, they are right in both cases. Good day, my name is Dante. I am Satan's right hand man, or left depending on where I am standing. Once, long ago, I had a human form but I sold myself to the devil, now is neither the time nor the place for that story. If I am being professional, or as it describes it in my job description, then my occupation is to help 'people' to fulfill their future. In other words, I drag people down to the fiery depths of Hell, through whatever means necessary. I bear the dead, and those who deserve to join me in Hell. But enough about me. Let's talk about you. Why did Satan want you down in our little slice of paradise, hmm?"

Our pick of the answers:

I think you're off to a great start. I didn't spot the first questionable item until after the second paragraph. "Well, they are right in both cases" I think you wanted to use this phrase to give your reader something to think about. If you used it at the end of the previous paragraph and start the new one after that, it would create that effect. "...devil, now is neither... " should be "...devil; now is neither..." "...or as it describes it..." is awkward wording. Try to think of a better way to phrase it.

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