Susan asks…
wrote this intro of a story idea please leave any and all comments?
"Dead, for lack of a better word is how most people describe a person of my nature. 'He is heartless!' a women would say once she has heard of my terrible doings. A strange term heartless, you'd say it in the sense that the person has no compassion or soul. But really your brain controls those emotions. All you heart does is slowly kill you if you have been, say, gutted with a kitchen knife or stabbed in the neck with a stiletto. Few have an explanation for things I do. 'He is monstrous!' or, 'He is demon from hell!' Well, they are right in both cases. Good day, my name is Dante. I am Satan's right hand man, or left depending on where I am standing. Once, long ago, I had a human form but I sold myself to the devil; now is neither the time nor the place for that story. If I am being professional, or as it describes in my job description, then my occupation is to help 'people' to fulfill their future. In other words, I drag people down to the fiery depths of Hell, through whatever means necessary. I bear the dead, and those who deserve to join me in Hell. But enough about me. Let's talk about you. Why did Satan want you down in our little slice of paradise, hmm?"
Our pick of the answers:
Didn't you post this months ago? Have you not gotten any farther? Edit: I checked, I answered this question three months ago. You've barely changed the paragraph. Are you planning on furthering the story? A paragraph isn't much over the course of three months. It's kind of obvious you're taking this from The Divine Comedy, but it's better than it was. Still not great, the wording is weird in several places. I also don't like the fact that you begin addressing the reader in the end, that is so cheesy. I'm hoping he's talking to a character, but you'd have to write more for us to know that.
Maria asks…
What do you think of my story?
Constructive Criticism wanted! I walked down the street, my big black stilettos heavy on my feet. I was on the run with my friends, Kane, Zeek , and Shade. They were pretty cool once you got to know them. Well, I was running from.........Actually, I do not know. My parents had practically kicked me out once they found out my hunger had kicked in. I'm a vampire, I found that out a week ago when I had my 'First Hunger'. I nearly took out the whole school. When I told my parents they freaked . "You need to go away, Jade ."my father had said. When I just stood there, they pushed me out the door. So here I am now, walking down an empty street at midnight. I heard the sound of a car pulling next to me. I looked over and smiled as Shade poked his head out the window. Shade was cute, in a bad boy kind of way, his long black hair usually in his face. He looked at people with a sort of hunger in his eyes well, maybe that's because he's a vamp, like me. "Hop in, JJ, before some pixies come and harass you."He said smiling from under the hood of his favorite black hoody. I rolled my eyes, pixies were always flirting with me where ever I went, along with some other species like Weres and Warlocks and Lycans and.....Well, you get the point. Maybe that was why I got kicked out of my house. I got into the car and instantly took my heels off. Shade had a goofy smirk on his face. "Why are you so happy? Lure another human into the dangerous confinements of your bed?"I asked, flashing my fangs in a dangerous smile. "No. "He answered. I was shocked, that was a surprisingly short answer for Shade. He was usually a chatter box who would go really in depth when you ask him for a summery. I sat back in my seat, my suspicion spiking. I sighed and laid back in the comfy leather seats of the car and closed my eyes. Apparently I had drifted off to sleep which was a surprise, I didn't think I was that tired. When I opened my eyes I was in the Warehouse. The Warehouse was basically a old rundown warehouse in which we live in. I sat up blinking my eyes to adjust to the darkness of the warehouse. "Where is everyone?"I asked myself. I got up and looked around at the makeshift living room. The warehouse was a huge place that was kinda damp and musky when we first found it, but since we put in the smooth wooden floors it feels more cozy. Shade and Zeek had painted the walls a cozy off white and had installed wooden walls to make rooms. The living room was twice the size of my apartment back home, and there were way more rooms than the whole apartment building. In the warehouse there was a lobby, 4 bathrooms with high-tech showers, 5 bedrooms, an arcade room, a piano room, a feeding room(for us vamps), a pool room, a gym, an exercise room, a charm room and a tv room-and that's just the first floor. Now I know what your thinking, 'If these guys are on the run, how can they afford all of this stuff?';. Well the answer is, we can't. Its all charity from the people of the Supernatural. Its kinda like an uprising or a rebellion. The Officials also known as SuperCops or SC are highly against encouraging acts of kindness towards 'delinquents' like us. But, hey, I didn't want to get thrown out on my rear end and be a bum, so I stuck my nose in with the 'delinquents' of the Supernatural world. I stepped into the lobby and was blinded by a ungodly white light. "Turn that dang light off!"I growled. I heard giggles in the background. The light dimmed until it was dark enough to see. "You haven't changed a bit, my love. But you will have to get used to it if your going to be my wife."A melodical vocie came from beside my ear. I groaned. "Who let the pixies in at this ungodly hour?"I said swatting the little pixy man away. Still blinded by the white light that had illuminated the room from the pixies wings, I stumbled in the direction of the kitchen and ended up tripping on someones foot. I thought I was done for until the person caught me. I breathed in and got a nose full of 100% dog breath. Ack. "And who let the dogs roam the house?"I said, pushing away from the Were. I was really starting to get angry, and when I got angry I really didn't have control over myself. I go wild. I heard a growling and was shocked to hear it was me. "Ok, I think you guys better go, this prank isn't working."I heard Kane whisper. There were footsteps and angry mutterings and then it was silent. The light was switched on to reveal all my friends smiling nervously. Shade was holding in his laughter quite poorly, while Zeek and Kane looked nervouus. Kane was human and Zeek was half elf-half shapshifter.
Our pick of the answers:
They were pretty cool once you got to know them. - I'd leave this out to later. Your running away from something. You should be scared, not explaining everything to us. Actually, I do not know. -It would sound better 'Actually, I don't know.' Most people say it like this. My parents had practically kicked me out once they found out my hunger had kicked in. I'm a vampire, I found that out a week ago when I had my 'First Hunger'. - Again, this should be saved for later. Tell us more about why she's 'on the run'. Or does it involve her being a vampire? If so just mention she's a vampire quickly, don't go into the details about how it was a week ago she was changed and that she almost killed half of her school. When I told my parents they freaked./"You need to go away, Jade ."my father had said. /When I just stood there, they pushed me out the door. - They don't sound freaked out. They aren't really acting freaked out either. He looked at people with a sort of hunger in his eyes - Usually you can't see peoples eyes when their hair is in their face. Unless they have really thin hair of course. . . . Pixies were always flirting with me where ever I went, along with some other species like Weres and Warlocks and Lycans and.....Well, you get the point. - Watch out, making her overly attractive where everyone thinks she's hot is a sign of a Mary Sue. Maybe that was why I got kicked out of my house. - I thought she was kicked out for being a vampire? No?
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