Sandra asks…
Please Help...? My writing?
A little information about me: I'm a Japanese teen living in Japan. I learned English in an international school overseas, where I lived for 3 1/2 years (till I was 7) and ever since, fascinated by the language, I have been writing and reading in English for as long as I can remember. My parents were supportive at first, even letting me participate in EPGY's online expository writing session, but after I didn't get accepted to EPGY summer institute last year, they gradually lost interest-can't blame them. They were let down and so was I. For me though, writing is my passion and that hasn't changed for the past 7 years. I've tried many ways to improve my English writing skills by editing the same story over and over. I also read alot (novels by Stieg Larsson, Jodi Picoult etc, and occasionally, books about math and psychology) and recently, I have been trying out some literary fictions by renowned writers, such as Kazuo Ishiguro, Ian Mcewan, Sylvia Plath, Salinger, Austen (stopped after 50 pages though...) to study top-notch quality literature. However, I'm starting to feel that there's a limit to the things I can do to strengthen my writing by myself. Thing is, even if I have a plot planned out in my head, when I put it on paper, it never comes out the way I want it to. It takes me 2~3 days to complete a page on Microsoft, because I want every sentence to be good, and I can never find the right word in my vocabulary that goes well with the scene so I end up going through my collection of books to fish out the perfect word. (And still, the sentences are far from perfect.) I don't want my not-living-in-the-US to be a disadvantage when people compare my writing to another 14 year old kid in the US, UK etc. In the current state, I probably can't write as well as them, so right now I just want to improve my writing structure, vocabulary, grammar(especially..) I've included a short sample of my writing below so you can give me specific tips on how I can improve my work. I know I have sloppy grammars...;) Also, I feel like 'the wind blew' is repetitive. How can I replace it with other words? Thanks for taking the time. The moon shone like a deathly pallid face, looking down at its sick child with the anxiety of a fatigued but attentive mother. A car swished by. When the wind whispered, tall trees rustled as if to pass on secrets. It was a quiet night. My exposed skin was oddly numb, but the tip of my nose and my lips were icy like I just wolfed down a sherbet on a hot day. I tentatively traced my lips with my tongue, tasting the sweetness of alcohol and the metallic twinge of blood. I spat out onto the pavement to get rid of the lingering bitter dredge evading my mouth. A string of saliva trailed down my chin. As a gust of wind blew, the ripped-open front of my dress fluttered, making my nipples on my naked chest harden involuntarily. Trees shivered with laughter. A lightening-like sensation flashed in the small of my back as I tried to stand up. I writhed with pain as I retreated to the ground, panting. The granites under my bare calves would have imprinted themselves onto my skin by now. I opened my mouth to curse, but my cheeks stayed put like a sinker, dully aching. I grasped the bars behind for support as I attempted to stand again. These goddamn shoes. I clumsily kicked off my high heels with a clatter. It skidded across the pavement, into the gutter. I bit my lips viciously till I tasted blood as I tried straightening my wounded back, my mind closing at the pain. I gasped for air with relief as I succeeded, leaning against the fence for support. Just then, the wind blew again, this time lifting up the torn hem of my torn dress for the world to mock. The air was cool on my damp inner thighs. The leaves giggled.
Our pick of the answers:
Ruka I appreciate your words, and a sample of your writing. First your preface and perspective: Currently, I would not change a thing with your life. What I see is a very intelligent young person that has enormous talent, and is humble to boot. You lay it out with clarity. What I see that you need is life experiences, and that will come with time. I wish my daughter and you could be friends. Man! You are amazing. Your writing: Very talented. Mature. The sexual stuff is something I would be clueless about when I was 14, but I also realize you write. You write well, excellent in fact, more mature than your age, and for a writer that is a compliment. As a parent, well, I guess I am struggling with that a bit, and am trying to block that out and appreciate your work. Cut yourself a little slack. I cannot tell you how much experience, life experience, do to one, it builds your foundation, makes you strong, and gives you a good premise in which to learn and develop yourself not only as a writer but as a person. Oh, I agree--great English. Better than people in this country (USA) and better than Sir Thomas de Charney. Bri
Sharon asks…
Hillary Clinton is seeking them out like a guided missile, "the single anxious female." The SAF.?
Now, in the Times Online, Sunday Times in the UK, we got a new categorization of women now, and Hillary Clinton is seeking them out like a guided missile, "the single anxious female." The SAF. "Single Anxious Female has taken over from the soccer mom of the 1990s and the stockcar-racing Nascar dad of the Bush era as the influential new voting block that could deliver victory to Hillary Clinton in the 2008 presidential election." Do we ever get any stories on any voting bloc that could be beneficial to the Republicans? No, we don't. "Many of th e 18 to 44-year-old single women who watched Sex and the City, the television series, now want a woman in the White House. They are concerned about terrorism, angry about the Iraq war and worried about affordable health-care and education, according to the Clinton camp. 'I think the better way to define them is SAFs,' said Ann Lewis, a senior adviser to Clinton. 'Single Anxious Females.'" They're worried about terrorism and they're going to vote for Hillary? They want a woman in the White House. This is all made up. I'm sure this is all made up. This is something that Ann Lewis feeds to the Drive-By Media, the Drive-By Media picks it up, establishes the category and the existence of all of these women between 18 and 44 and then gives Mrs. Clinton an opportunity to go out and zero in on them. "Samantha Waterman, 41, a Clinton supporter and SAF from Los Angeles, believes the glamorous girlfriends in Sex and the City would be for Hillary. 'I think they might be Hillary women. They're waiting to start their lives because they haven't met Mr Right yet or had a baby.'" Well, so much for that old feminism thing! We had a TV series about a bunch of perpetually unhappy women, couldn't find Mr. Right; their lives were focused -- I don't know if you ever watched this show; I did as a cultural survey project -- they watch this show because these women are just perpetually trying to find Mr. Right. That's their whole quest in life. They're New York women. You would think that would be the last thing on their minds because if they were true feminists, that would be what they were trying to deemphasize in their lives. So they're waiting to start their lives because they haven't met Mr. Right yet, and they haven't had a baby. "What they are searching for is security. They would admire Hillary because she is so strong and steady." Now, keep in mind that Samantha Waterman is talking about fictional characters on an HBO TV series and assuming they would all vote for Hillary which gives her comfort in voting for Hillary. "Most Single Anxious Females cannot afford the high-heeled Manolo Blahnik shoes that Carrie Bradshaw, the narrator of the TV series, loves to wear: they tend to be relatively poorly educated, move home frequently and earn less than $30,000 (£15,000) a year, according to New York magazine. But they are an increasingly visible and politically active group, which Clinton has high hopes of attracting. Single women represented 22.4% of the US electorate at the last election, up from 19% in 2000." Seems to me the last I read about this group is they don't register to vote in large numbers. Have you ever noticed that the Democrats are always out there publicly registering people to vote, be it the MTV generation, young people or whatever, and they never seem to show up after they got them registered. "Barack Obama, the handsome Democratic senator for Illinois, is causing a flutter among the same group. Jennifer Aniston, the archetypal Hollywood Single White Female, turned up at a celebrity fundraiser for him in Los Angeles earlier this year. But Clinton is to hit back this Wednesday with a gathering to be attended by the film star Penelope Cruz, the 'shagadelic' Heather Graham, of Austin Powers fame, and Eva Longoria from Desperate Housewives. ... In 2004, only 59% of unmarried women voted, compared to 71% of married women." And, of course, we have the obligatory quotes from Naomi Wolf, who dressed Algore for his 2000 presidential run. "It sounds like this group of women is getting more and more engaged. Hillary's machine is top-notch. But they will not automatically flock to Clinton,' she cautioned. 'I really admire her, but unfortunately her demeanor is very upscale. There is a class difference she needs to bridge.'" So once again, women being marginalized, I wouldn't say marginalized, demeaned, grouped into various sects here of mind-numbed robotism. What's going to happen is that women between 18 and 44 who are single are going to read stories like this and say, "Yeah, I'm single, yes, I'm anxious, yes, I do want security, yes!" and if they read all these other women in this age-group are voting for Hillary, "I think I will, too, if that's the smart thing to do that's what I will do." That's a put down, very demeaning if you ask me.
Our pick of the answers:
I watched Sex in the City a few times. Seems like it was all about women who went out and tried to find men who would have sex with them. Now thar is a trick! Kinda like fishing at an aquarium! Doesn't always lead to romance, though. The problem is if those 30 second brains vote for Hillary, it won't be over before the next morning like a one-nite-stand. It will be a big party with a four year hangover.
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