Jenny asks…
Scene from my story. Is it believeable?
Lexi is the main character in the novel, and Josh is someone she has known for a while but they aren't actually friends. He leaned forward and kissed me it wasn't a passionate kiss. More like a sloppy-get-his-tongue-down-my-throat-as-… His arm tightened around my waist pulling me closer to him, his other hand was moving up my body towards my boob, and he took his arm from his waist and put it on his hard on. I pulled my hand away, he looked at me like I'd just hit him. I got up as quick as I could and headed outside the nightclub, the cold air hit me like a brick wall. I felt sober again. I looked around me at the bright lights of London, the queue of people standing against the wall hoping to get in all dressed in their shortest skirts, and smartest shirts. I looked up into the sky, there were no stars. You never could see them in London, it was a shame that people could miss the beauty of them. I was so lost in my own thought that I didn't hear Josh behind me until he had his hands round my waist. "Aw come on babe, don't be like that" he whispered in my ear, kissing my neck. He took my hand practically dragging me across the road and around the corner. I couldn't keep up in my high heels. I wasn't exactly sure where he was taking me but I couldn't get my hand out of his iron clad grasp. "How about here?" He asked stopping in an alleyway beside a pub. "Erm..." was all I could manage as I looked around. I wasn't naive enough to know what he was thinking. He wanted sex and there was a strange glint in his eye that sent a shiver running down my spine. "Good I like it as well." He replied. I didn't get a chance to reply his tongue was back down my throat; his hand grabbed my thigh and pulled it up onto his waist. He let out a groan. I tried to get my leg back but he was holding onto it. His other hand was on my dress pulling it up towards my waist. "No wait" I managed moving my head as far away from him as I could. "What is it?" He asked rather annoyed not letting go of my leg. "I...I..." I stammered. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes. "Make a noise and it'll be the last one you ever make," He told me. I had a lump in my throat that I couldn't dislodge I wanted to scream but I couldn't. My mouth was dry. He kissed me again, this time I struggled against him he gripped my head hard with his hand pushing it further towards his. I shook my head. Please someone help me, I thought desperately the tears were running down my cheeks. In desperation I bit his tongue. "Awl, you son of a *****" he said slapping me hard across my face. I fell hitting the wet concrete of the pavement below me. "Please don't, please Josh please," I begged, I tried to get to my feet, but my muscles wouldn't move. I couldn't get up, what was I going to do? He got on the ground on top of me; his knees on either side of my hips. He started touching me. "I'm going to **** you like you deserved to be fucked" He told me. He was going to rape me. "Now be a good little girl and give me a ********." He said unzipping his jeans. "No." I whispered, shaking my head. I felt the force of his hand hitting my cheek again, my head hitting off the wall. I didn't move, automatically putting my hand on the cheek he had just slapped, I felt the warmness of blood running down my head. A sob shook my body. "Please stop," I begged, "Please" He didn't answer me, just laughed. He pulled my dress up and forced my legs apart, moving my pants and pushing himself inside me. It felt like he was ripping me apart, I screamed and he slapped me again. Putting his hand over my mouth; I couldn't breathe. He was raping me and there was nothing I could do about it. It felt like it lasted forever. He finally got up off me pulling his jeans back up, he winked at me. "If you tell anyone I'll kill you" he told me before turning and walking back down the alley Is it believeable? Any suggestions to make it better?
Our pick of the answers:
Sorry, but this is so full of cliche it's really not believable at all. Some words you've used are not what you mean (naive, for example) and the grammar and punctuation needs a lot of work as well. This sort of thing appears in dozens of cheap women's magazines every week and is completely unoriginal. If you're planning on sending it to a magazine, forget it - they've probably got a few hundred almost identical already. If it's for anything else, I really think you should forget it. Start again with a more everyday topic and practise descriptive writing a bit more before you let anyone else see it. Read loads of books on different subjects and try to decide which ones you find credible and which are not. Good luck - writing is much harder than it looks.
Ruth asks…
Writers block. Suggestions for what could happen next?
Lexi is the main character He leaned forward and kissed me it wasn't a passionate kiss. More like a sloppy-get-his-tongue-down-my-throat-as-fast-as-he-could-kiss. His arm tightened around my waist pulling me closer to him, his other hand was moving up my body towards my boob, and he took my arm from his waist and put it on his hard on. I pulled my hand away, he looked at me like I'd just hit him. I got up as quick as I could and headed outside the nightclub, the cold air hit me like a brick wall. I felt sober again. I looked around me at the bright lights of London, the queue of people standing against the wall hoping to get in all dressed in their shortest skirts, and smartest shirts. I looked up into the sky, there were no stars. You never could see them in London, it was a shame that people could miss the beauty of them. I was so lost in my own thought that I didn't hear Josh behind me until he had his hands round my waist. "Aw come on babe, don't be like that" he whispered in my ear, kissing my neck. He took my hand practically dragging me across the road and around the corner. I couldn't keep up in my high heels. I wasn't exactly sure where he was taking me but I couldn't get my hand out of his iron clad grasp. "How about here?" He asked stopping in an alleyway beside a pub. "Erm..." was all I could manage as I looked around. I wasn't naive enough to know what he was thinking. He wanted sex and there was a strange glint in his eye that sent a shiver running down my spine. "Good I like it as well." He replied. I didn't get a chance to reply his tongue was back down my throat; his hand grabbed my thigh and pulled it up onto his waist. He let out a groan. I tried to get my leg back but he was holding onto it. His other hand was on my dress pulling it up towards my waist. "No wait" I managed moving my head as far away from him as I could. "What is it?" He asked rather annoyed not letting go of my leg. "I...I..." I stammered. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes. "Make a noise and it'll be the last one you ever make," He told me. I had a lump in my throat that I couldn't dislodge I wanted to scream but I couldn't. My mouth was dry. He kissed me again, this time I struggled against him he gripped my head hard with his hand pushing it further towards his. I shook my head. Please someone help me, I thought desperately the tears were running down my cheeks. In desperation I bit his tongue. "Awl, you son of a bitch" he said slapping me hard across my face. I fell hitting the wet concrete of the pavement below me. "Please don't, please Josh please," I begged, I tried to get to my feet, but my muscles wouldn't move. I couldn't get up, what was I going to do? He got on the ground on top of me; his knees on either side of my hips. He started touching me. "I'm going to fuck you like you deserved to be fucked" He told me. He was going to rape me. "Now be a good little girl and give me a blow job." He said unzipping his jeans. "No." I whispered, shaking my head. I felt the force of his hand hitting my cheek again, my head hitting off the wall. I didn't move, automatically putting my hand on the cheek he had just slapped, I felt the warmness of blood running down my head. A sob shook my body. "Please stop," I begged, "Please" He didn't answer me, just laughed. He pulled my dress up and forced my legs apart, moving my pants and pushing himself inside me. It felt like he was ripping me apart, I screamed and he slapped me again. Putting his hand over my mouth; I couldn't breathe. He was raping me and there was nothing I could do about it. It felt like it lasted forever. He finally got up off me pulling his jeans back up, he winked at me. "If you tell anyone I'll kill you" he told me before turning and walking back down the alley. I curled up in a ball on the ground and cried. I could feel blood running down my legs, and my head, my cheek was stinging from where he had slapped me. I've wrote several scenes and i don't know if she should wake up with her friends round her calling an ambulance In a hospital On her own Some random stranger finding her Any other suggestions? What do you think?
Our pick of the answers:
She manages to crawl or stagger back to the bright lights where she collapses with shock at being raped and relief at finding she was still alive. Her friends could rally round as they were out of the club and looking for her. The first two sentences could be joined together as it will have more flow to it. Good luck with the story.
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