Maria asks…
what do you think about what I have so far in my novel?
Chapter One: Something I do with my friends, Tess and Jessica, after school every Friday is go to the mall and hit up all the shops. After the tenth Friday, we became regulars and everyone basically knows us and our names. It's like we run the place. No—it's not because my Daddy owns Lombardi Mall. That's not it at all. The workers there don't need to know I'm Murphy Lombardi, daughter of Richard Lombardi, owner of Lombardi Mall. In fact, if I used that as some sort of way to get a discount from one of the stores, the employee that gave me the discount and I would both get in trouble if he were ever to find out. It was one of his "Top Rules". Not that it really mattered, though, because I was my Daddy's only daughter and his Number One Girl. If I asked for money, of course I would get it because he'd never deny me of it. I'd use my sweetest smile or sweetest frown and widened my sapphire eyes for a cute, puppy look that worked so well. It had that effect on almost everyone I gave that expression to. I'm not even lying. It's how I get my way. I know what you're probably thinking, Oh, she's such a snobby girl. Well, yes, if you use rich and popular as you definition of snobby then I would be, but it doesn't mean I'm an evil person. I'm just a girl with high standards from a wealthy family who gets what she wants. I don't see anything wrong with that. I'm just happy and I won't try to drag down my great reputation down by socializing with the people that are lower than me. That's why I hang-out with the other rich, popular people. Take for instance, Tess and Jessica. They are my best friends. Tess's parents run The Mauve Spot which is like the best restaurant in town. Everyone goes there; it's always packed. Jessica's mom is an attorney who makes nearly a quarter million a year. She even has a commercial on the local channels. I would say that they are worthy to be let into my group. Also, they have a super-awesome sense of fashion. From Marc Jacobs to Gucci to Prada to Ralph Lauren to Calvin Klein—we own it all and everything in between and outside those lines. We parked as close to the entrance as we could because it would've hurt to walk all that way in these heels. Of course Tess suggested it. She is like… the smart one in our group. You could tell because she wears glasses. I told her she should get contact lenses, but apparently her eyes aren't ready for them. Whatever. "So… Where should we stop by first?" I asked as Jessica parked her Volvo in the spot. "I think Teresa Rossi. Definitely Teresa Rossi," suggested Tess who was seated behind me in the backseat. This surprised me. Since when did we shop there? "Since when do we shop there?" I turned my neck so fast to look at her, I thought it would break. I could see her roll her eyes even under those glasses. She swept a lock of her auburn hair behind her ear. "Well… It's Spring and I want to get some dresses there because they're cute!" "Poor people shop there…" I murmured. I didn't want to sound rude, but it was true! The highest priced item there was a one hundred and twenty dollar dress, and it wasn't even a "good" one. "Good" meaning from the top fashion designers! I refuse to buy something without getting the best! Why settle for less than the best? "Pfft. Wow, Murphy…" I heard Jessica scoff. She always did that to me. It always makes me mad. "Wow what?" "I don't think it matters who shops there... I think it matters what's there." "And it's poor people clothes there!" She scoffed again. It was really irritating me! What did I say that was so bad? "Whatever. Let's go, anyway. I hear the dresses around Spring time are actually cute. Maybe we should check it out. I saw Joan Andrews wearing one of them and she looked adorable." Tess looked at me like she was disappointed. How lame. I love Tess, but she cannot pull off my look. "Oh. Alright, but we stop by Bloomingdale's first." They both nodded in agreement and we got out of the car. Whatdaya think about it? I'm not writing it to be original or get published... I'm doing it for fun and am writing a novel that I would enjoy reading and writing. I'm 12... 13 in two days and I want to finish when I'm 14. lol....... you don't know what the subject is... beginning. and maybe it's boring to you because it's girly stuff. lol. :D. but i wasnt asking for a critique of the storyline.... just for the writing. yeah. i hate Murphy and Jessica, but I love Tess and Jonah (who will appear soon...) Jonah is her love interest... just ask if you want a description of him because if you don't... then I won't. :P wow. matthew, that was kinda rude. geez. well, i'm just gonna go with the thing that annoys everyone... you're just jealous. XD nah. i'm just joking... but i hate how the plot is judged even though i'm only a little into it... I mean, come on... Seriously. You don't even know it yet. Immaturity, huh? I think I smell some immaturity in your judgements. Wow. Assume what you like, but you can't simply judge my character for what I have written here. What I gather, Matthew H, is that you are incapable of giving advice in a respectful matter. How rude. Saying it's "boring" and "poor" among other things. Yes; you are stating your opinion, but do you really have to be an ass? Seriously.
Our pick of the answers:
I love it so far. I was sad when it was over. You're really good. Im 14, and Im not much of a reader or a writer and it takes a lot to get me interested in a book. So obviously you're writing was good enough to draw my attention. Great Job. I can picture everything you wrote in my head. Keep going. I would love to read more! Caity
Laura asks…
Advice?? Opinions?? Suggestions?? Rough draft... beginning of novel?
Silver Chains and Gold Charms By Cassandra Wright Chapter One: Something I do with my friends, Tess and Jessica, after school every Friday is go to the mall and hit up all the shops. After the tenth Friday, we became regulars and everyone basically knows us and our names. It's like we run the place. No—it's not because my Daddy owns Lombardi Mall. That's not it at all. The workers there don't need to know I'm Murphy Lombardi, daughter of Richard Lombardi, owner of Lombardi Mall. In fact, if I used that as some sort of way to get a discount from one of the stores, the employee that gave me the discount and I would both get in trouble if he were ever to find out. It was one of his "Top Rules". Not that it really mattered, though, because I was my Daddy's only daughter and his Number One Girl. If I asked for money, of course I would get it because he'd never deny me of it. I'd use my sweetest smile or sweetest frown and widened my sapphire eyes for a cute, puppy look that worked so well. It had that effect on almost everyone I gave that expression to. I'm not even lying. It's how I get my way. I know what you're probably thinking, Oh, she's such a snobby girl. Well, yes, if you use rich and popular as you definition of snobby then I would be, but it doesn't mean I'm an evil person. I'm just a girl with high standards from a wealthy family who gets what she wants. I don't see anything wrong with that. I'm just happy and I won't try to drag down my great reputation down by socializing with the people that are lower than me. That's why I hang-out with the other rich, popular people. Take for instance, Tess and Jessica. They are my best friends. Tess's parents run The Mauve Spot which is like the best restaurant in town. Everyone goes there; it's always packed. Jessica's mom is an attorney who makes nearly a quarter million a year. She even has a commercial on the local channels. I would say that they are worthy to be let into my group. Also, they have a super-awesome sense of fashion. From Marc Jacobs to Gucci to Prada to Ralph Lauren to Calvin Klein—we own it all and everything in between and outside those lines. We parked as close to the entrance as we could because it would've hurt to walk all that way in these heels. Of course Tess suggested it. She is like… the smart one in our group. You could tell because she wears glasses. I told her she should get contact lenses, but apparently her eyes aren't ready for them. Whatever. "So… Where should we stop by first??" I asked as Jessica parked her Volvo in the spot. "I think Teresa Rossi. Definitely Teresa Rossi," suggested Tess who was seated behind me in the backseat. This surprised me. Since when did we shop there?? "Since when do we shop there??" I turned my neck so fast to look at her, I thought it would break. I could see her roll her eyes even under those glasses. She swept a lock of her auburn hair behind her ear. "Well… It's Spring and I want to get some dresses there because they're cute!" "Poor people shop there…" I murmured. I didn't want to sound rude, but it was true! The highest priced item there was a one hundred and twenty dollar dress, and it wasn't even a "good" one. "Good" meaning from the top fashion designers! I refuse to buy something without getting the best! Why settle for less than the best? "Pfft. Wow, Murphy…" I heard Jessica scoff. She always did that to me. It always makes me mad. "Wow what?" "I don't think it matters who shops there... I think it matters what's there." "And it's poor people clothes there!" She scoffed again. It was really irritating me! What did I say that was so bad? "Whatever. Let's go, anyway. I hear the dresses around Spring time are actually cute. Maybe we should check it out. I saw Joan Andrews wearing one of them and she looked adorable." Tess looked at me like she was disappointed. How lame. I love Tess, but she cannot pull off my look. "Oh. Alright, but we stop by Bloomingdale's first." They both nodded in agreement and we got out of the car. My goal is to finish it by the time I turn 14, which will be a year and three days. I'm 12... ALMOST 13 in three days. XD. I'm not writing this to be original or to get it published. I'm doing it because it's something I would like to read and something that I can actually write. I've always had trouble with the tense changes... but it's because it sounds awkward to me if I don't change them...
Our pick of the answers:
You have one or two mispelled words, but other then that, it's pretty good. And MyGod, your 12(turning 13!?)!? Your sense and style of writing is incredible for such an age ;D Just a few things; If to be a ''book,'' the question marks are never used twice in the end of a sentence. For example, you put; ""So… Where should we stop by first??"" Only one Question mark is used when writing(: Other then that, I really did like it. It might be something I would read during the summer. I hope you finish it and come back to us to tell us where to read it - if you decide to put it up on some site, or something! Hehe. --§usan--
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