Sandy asks…
Does the pain of a break up eventually catch up to you?
My ex and I broke up about a month ago. We were "talking" since December and have been very comfortable/close since then..made it "official" later on. He said he realized he wasn't "ready" to be in a relationship, not the right time and he can't give me what I need and want right now. We ended things on "good terms" but I haven't spoken to him since. He sent me a long text message the next day apologizing again, saying he felt horrible that he had a change of heart and that he still cares about me but it wasn't the right time. I never replied back. I'm usually one to be cordial w. exes or past guys but this time, I couldn't talk to him...didn't hate him or was super angry, just couldn't do it. What's funny is that when we met, I felt how much he cared about me. There's no 3rd party; he just can't do "relationship" or "girlfriend" now bc he's selfish. His family/friends said he was "head over heels", "completely opposite than all his exes" (who were dramatic, high maintinence and clingy). I'm the first girl his age he's ever dated (23; exes were younger) and he (and his friends) always tell me i'm "everything he wants in a girl". It was the first time, I could still be secure, confident, independent while still be w. someone I cared about...same w. him too. We were good to each other; i was a good gf to him, never held him back fr anything...and in a way, i think i encouraged him to be himself and indepdenent. For a breakup, I've been doing more than okay compared to past situations. There are times it's sad, I cry and miss him but I've prayed and God's been taking care of me. I've been blessed to be busy - got a new job, been working out, new friends @ work...just taking MORE care of myself. It's been a month and it just killed me. I finally felt that "deep sadness". I MISS the guy...not the memories or what we did, not the routine...i miss HIM. His attitude, seeing him, his voice, all of the above. And i learned a valuable lesson that it's not the person's car, looks, status that hooks you in...it's the PERSON. He had a job but wasn't wealthy, he had a car but it wasn't a BMW, he wasn't the most handsome or the tallest but he made me smile...most importantly, he was a good person, especially to me. I've been avoiding fb and i cracked on checked on him. Apparently he's been feeling "horrible" abt the break up, he's been givin the same reason to his family/friends, and I feel that he's a completely different person than when i first met him...and it's for the better. I should be happy but it's intimidating. He goes out to clubs/bars now all dressed up. Before he would wear t-shirts, blazers, now it's nice collared shirts; he's been "working on his car" for the past2 yrs he's been single but is NOW completely focused on his car and is making so much progress. He's a family guy but is now declaring his love for his mom. I've never heard him talk about his mom that way...and in pictures, he doesn't seem like this goofy kid anymore...he's turning into this man...i'm proud of him...and i truly miss him but deep down inside, i just can't talk to him right now, don't know why....i know that it really isn't the right time for a relationship for me now and the idea of being "just friends", kills me. I'm not expecting anything at all and am just enjoying ME now but I can only hope and pray that I would be blessed to be w. someone like him. My co-worker (a mom) has this "mom intuition" that he'll come back bc she FEELS that his mom was feelin his hurt and talked to him about me (I don't believe it)...and she thinks that him "changing" for the better is bc of me (don't believe that either)... Thoughts? his roomate also told me he wants to give me back an item i left at his place but she said he "wasn't sure whether it was okay to text me"...(?)
Our pick of the answers:
I, myself, have done well with breakups. I was only affected by one breakup. I think it might depend on your emotional maturity.
Ruth asks…
My ex is a changed man - I should be happy but i'm intimidated... why?
My ex and I broke up about a month ago. We were "talking" since December and have been very comfortable/close since then..made it "official" later on. He said he realized he wasn't "ready" to be in a relationship, not the right time and he can't give me what I need and want right now. We ended things on "good terms" but I haven't spoken to him since. He sent me a long text message the next day apologizing again, saying he felt horrible that he had a change of heart and that he still cares about me but it wasn't the right time. I never replied back. I'm usually one to be cordial w. exes or past guys but this time, I couldn't talk to him...didn't hate him or was super angry, just couldn't do it. What's funny is that when we met, I felt how much he cared about me. There's no 3rd party; he just can't do "relationship" or "girlfriend" now bc he's selfish. His family/friends said he was "head over heels", "completely opposite than all his exes" (who were dramatic, high maintinence and clingy). I'm the first girl his age he's ever dated (23; exes were younger) and he (and his friends) always tell me i'm "everything he wants in a girl". It was the first time, I could still be secure, confident, independent while still be w. someone I cared about...same w. him too. We were good to each other; i was a good gf to him, never held him back fr anything...and in a way, i think i encouraged him to be himself and indepdenent. For a breakup, I've been doing more than okay compared to past situations. There are times it's sad, I cry and miss him but I've prayed and God's been taking care of me. I've been blessed to be busy - got a new job, been working out, new friends @ work...just taking MORE care of myself. It's been a month and it just killed me. I finally felt that "deep sadness". I MISS the guy...not the memories or what we did, not the routine...i miss HIM. His attitude, seeing him, his voice, all of the above. And i learned a valuable lesson that it's not the person's car, looks, status that hooks you in...it's the PERSON. He had a job but wasn't wealthy, he had a car but it wasn't a BMW, he wasn't the most handsome or the tallest but he made me smile...most importantly, he was a good person, especially to me. I've been avoiding fb and i cracked on checked on him. Apparently he's been feeling "horrible" abt the break up, he's been givin the same reason to his family/friends, and I feel that he's a completely different person than when i first met him...and it's for the better. I should be happy but it's intimidating. He goes out to clubs/bars now all dressed up. Before he would wear t-shirts, blazers, now it's nice collared shirts; he's been "working on his car" for the past2 yrs he's been single but is NOW completely focused on his car and is making so much progress. He's a family guy but is now declaring his love for his mom. I've never heard him talk about his mom that way...and in pictures, he doesn't seem like this goofy kid anymore...he's turning into this man...i'm proud of him...and i truly miss him but deep down inside, i just can't talk to him right now, don't know why....i know that it really isn't the right time for a relationship for me now and the idea of being "just friends", kills me. I'm not expecting anything at all and am just enjoying ME now but I can only hope and pray that I would be blessed to be w. someone like him. My co-worker (a mom) has this "mom intuition" that he'll come back bc she FEELS that his mom was feelin his hurt and talked to him about me (I don't believe it)...and she thinks that him "changing" for the better is bc of me (don't believe that either)... Thoughts?
Our pick of the answers:
One thing i couldn't help but noticed you're seem to be trapped in a cage with mixed emotions. A part of you is happy and ready to move on. This is the part where you're absolutely okay with not talking to him or getting involved with his life. It also kind of sound like you're not sure if he's really what you wanted. The way you describe him is not the way a girl who describes a guy who she fell madly in love with. The other part is your unfulfilled wants/needs of a relationship which is pretty normal. Everyone who is going through a breakup always have this what-if and i-miss-him moments. We also think of what if I did this...could it have gone to a better path. You can't blame yourself for thinking that though. You had been dating this guy for awhile. Your pyshcological state of your mind/body is some what link to his presence, which makes you miss the interaction/feelings/sensation/emotions from him. Just an insight, if a guy says he's not ready for an offcial "relationship", that simply means a) he thinks you're a wonderful girlfriend but he wants something more or b) he's not ready to commit his loyalty/fedility because he wants to see what other options are out there. At our age of 20s, most of us guys, 90% if not more, unfortunately does not know what we wanted in life. If we decided to stick with someone then knowing later on that we might cheat on them... Guys tend to take the risky route of its-better-if-we're-not-on-a-relationship as precautionary approach. Having said that, if there's such thing as love exists...then everything I said above is meaningless. Supposedly love would conquer everything. If you love him or he loves you then you guys are going to make back together sooner or later. As an advice, just clear up your head and think of what you really want. Do you want him back or do you miss having someone really close to you? The answer lies within you. I wish you luck and I hope everything turns out ok!
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