Susan asks…
Kind Critique on exert please?
----I'm sorry if its a tad confusing because it isn't the beginning--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter Two: Unlikely Alliances Dakota's Point of View I have never been much of a complainer, but the food here is absolutely terrible. Not to mention someone had found out about the fact that I was a konrope, and thats person was a Rebel. I had seen the tattoo; just a glimpse of Rolin Stert's arm and I knew it to be true. It was hard concealing the fear in my eyes that night as I lay on the bed beside Rolin's. I needed a confidant; someone to tell all these little secrets that were eating me inside to. If only I could get to James, my boyfriend of two years, yet he was on the other side of the building. It was heart wrenching knowing he was so close, but then again, so far away. And that was when I did something so incredibly stupid that my own boyfriend would think I was high. I grabbed my flashlight from under my pillow an ran to the door of our dorm room. Grabbing the handle I said a silent prayer begging to God that it wasn't locked, I turned the bronze door knob but the door refused to open. No way I was gonna give up that easily, I reached to the back of my ponytail for the small bobby pin. I had never picked a lock in my life but I was that desperate. "Need a hand?" a voice asked michievingly. I gasped and turned around to see Rolin with a tension wrench in hand. I nodded moving away from the keyhole. "First tell me where you are going, then I'll help you" Rolin said. "I'm going to see my boyfriend" I stated without emotion. "When was the last time you saw eachother?" she asked. "Last month" "So he hasn't seen you in a month and you want him to see you in your pj's with a bad case of behead?" Rolin carried on trying to talk me out of it. "You're right" I said handing her my flashlight " You pick the lock while I go change" She gave me a protesting look but then reluntantly bent down to eye level with the keyhole. I made a satisfied smile and pranced off to my closet. The heavy metal doors creaked slightly as I opened them. The closet was small but it held all my stuffy none the less. I pulled on a light pink ruffled tank top and light gray skinny jeans with the black flats my mom had bought me before I left, even though I was addicted to high heels I had worn them since the day she got them for me. Pushing the memory of my loving mother aside I fixed my ponytail and walked to the door where Rolin was standing triumphantly with the door wide open. "You mind if I tag along?" she asked. "Not at all" I said and grabbed the map of the Union buidling. Rolin slipped on a pair of plad Toms that really didn't match her flower patterned pj's I was going to mention it to her but then thought better of it. I handed her my spare flashlight and marched out of the door heading in the direction of the boy dorms. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We reached the hallway of the dorms in under 20 minutes, it was just like the girls except their doors were made off steel instead of wood. " Do you know his dorm number?" Rolin asked scanning the other hallways for teachers or guards. "815" I said without thought and started walking down the hallway in search of James' dorm. Rolin stayed back to be lookout. I knocked quietly on the 815 dorm. and whispered James' name. The door suddenly opened to reveal the shaggy brunette still in his jeans. "Dakota, what are you doing here, are you crazy?" he said bringing me into a hugging embrace. His dark gray shirt smelled of his Fahrenheit cologne. We talked for what seemed like only minutes, then I glanced at my watch and yawned it was 1:30am two hours after Rolin and I had left our dorm. Then I thought Rolin! Stink, she was still being lookout. "James, I have to go my friend is still out there " I said standing up. He nodded understandingly and kissed me on my forehead as a fairwell. I closed the door behind me waving to James on last time. "Took you long enough," Rolin said siting on the tiled floor leaning her back against the wall. I gave her an apoligetic look, she waved it off. "So we're friends now?" she asked referring to what I told James. "I don't know are we?" I threw back at her. "Yeah, I think we are" she responded as we made our way back to our dorm. I smiled, I had never really had a friend that knew I was a konrope and still wanted to be friends. " Thanks Rolin, For helping me" I offered trying to if you want to read the 1st chapter heres the link http://www.wattpad.com/997706-behind-locked-doors
Our pick of the answers:
Dialogue moves the plot along, might do better to revise it slightly so as to interject more of their personalities in there. (They both sound like the same people but if that's how they are then disregard this comment..just thought they sounded too similar) You need to insert commas after the dialogue tags when you're expounding on the thought/action. Ex: he said, bringing me into a hugging embrace. (comma after he said) Your first sentence states that the food IS terrible..as in present tense, but then you tell the rest of the chapter in past tense, so change "is" to "was." Some of your sentences could be revised so they read better. You have a few spelling errors. And your word choice isn't quite right in some spots. Ex: "...Rolin was standing triumphantly with the door wide open." Instead of standing triumphantly, you could say "..was standing with the door open, a triumphant smirk pulling at her lips" or Ex: "I made a satisfied smile and pranced off to my closet." making a satisfied smile isn't grammatically incorrect but it could be revised to "I smiled in satisfaction" and pranced seems like the wrong word. There are other words that don't quite work. You have a good voice and you write well enough. If you pay more attention to word choice, grammar, sentence structure and punctuation then you'll be more than fine. Nice work. I liked it. :)
Laura asks…
stay at home mom with 4 kids 8,7,3,2?
Okay I'm a stay at home mom for the since 2000 I'm going on 30 years old and I'm seeking some advice. Wow I don't even know where to start. First of all I rarely ever get any time away from my home without my kids and when I do it's always an argument before I leave and after I come back. We are always broke so I have to hide money in the house. I rarely spend anything on myself and when I go to the store to do my mother duties, groceries, etc I'm always questioned what did you spend what are you buying and what do you need now a if I'm truely buying some diamond ring and high heels but no I'm buying the same freaking stuff we need in the house. My husband will not pay attention to low milk, or bread, or diapers yet he will always bring a 12pack home. On the ocassions when I remind him that we need stuff he just gets irritated saying Oh lord here goes the list or he says you don't have to tell me what we need I already know what we need and of course comes back home without the much needed items. I'm so tired of being broke I stay at home I clean, cook and take care of my busienss even encouraging him to do a business together for extra income but it never works. I asked him if I can manag our finances and he says yeah when he spends up his weekly budget he gets irritated and says we need more money to budget or pressures me for my weekly allowance or he will just get the atm card and spend. He pressures me in the store telling me to hurry up all the time. He doesn't clean up after hiself only after I catch a major attitude he will do it to make me shut up instead of out of love. I tell him how I feel about it and it's never the right time to talk morning noon or night drunk tipsy or sober it's never the right time. He's not a good listener and not open with his feelings. He will make hours of time for himself but rarely gets out there and throws a baseball or football with our 3 boys and he's was a really great athlete when he was younger. I've known this man for years but I do but don't know what to do I'm just tired of being tired and I don't want my sons to do the negative things he's doing and I don't want my daughter to end up with a emotionally detached man. There is so much more I want to say but I gotta get back to my mothers duties. Also he tries to say that I'm a quitter but there is no way in hell I would enjoy spending the rest of my life like this for me or my children. I would love to enjoy a ladies vacation. I would love to afford to take my children on vacation, the zoo, disney land, something these are things plenty of people do they go to the snow they go on yearly family vacations and ever time I turn around we are broke and he's spending money before paying bills. So basically I feel like a single mother that is married and I feel like I'm not in control of myself at this point and I'm getting too old for this so I will start off with looking for work and going back to school. Please don't leave me any mean comments about my grammar, punctuation, run on sentences and whatever else I had to get this off my chest and I have to get back to the kids. Is I being immature about the situation? Oops I meant Am I being immature?
Our pick of the answers:
My heart goes out to you. Whatever, you are a great mother and a wife. Your husband though not so expressive, appears to be at least concerned about bringing the bread home. You must give him credit for that. But yes, you have your personal side of life. Where are the rest of your family...I mean your parents, your brothers, sisters etc etc? No problems if you have no contact with anybody. You have 4 kids to keep you engaged. But continuous domestic work can be exasperating. The kids are small. Why don't you take up some small time job - working at home to add to the income. Arrange for a day care center for the babies, when you can be on your own for some time. Plan an outing with your husband (you'll have to seduce him!) to the nearby restaurant (with the kids firmly tucked in with your friends/ neighbours). And then, after the candle light dinner, settle down back to the house hold chores..a la Cinderella! Have faith in the Almighty. Your good times are round the corner. Just continue to be the good mother to your lovely children, and a devoted wife to your husband. Wish you all the best in all your endeavours
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