Carol asks…
Is this a good start?
This is the start of my novel, well, it hasn't gone so well so far, this is my third re-write of the first couple of paragraphs. I hope you have enough time to read it and offer feedback, any would be appreciated. Oh, and, Is this boring? Is it dragging? Have I gone over-board with the description, which I apparently tend to do. And is the first paragraph too long? These are things I've attempted to avoid. Should I continue with this, edit it or re-write it (again) 'Summer breeze brushed calmly over his face, and rustled the golden grass ever so slightly. The sun was slowly melting into the horizon; the moon was a sly slit of light opposite. Cedric waited. He waited patiently kneeling on the dusty trail; motionless. Eventually and curious pink nose poked out of a small hole in the ground and sniffed the air. The wind blew toward Cedric, so that the creature would not be frightened of his strange smell. Cautiously, a pink paw inched out, and the creature reared its head and sniffed high. It squinted in the new light, and sat frozen. Cedric grinned. When it had grown accustomed to the light it took in the surroundings. When it had discovered no apparent danger; it stepped out further, revealing the rest of its silky body and tail. The wind changed direction and the mouse recoiled and stared straight at Cedric. Nothing moved, not Cedric, not the mouse. They both sat and stared, into each others eyes. The mouse snuffled his nose once again. Apparently the mouse decided he was harmless, and pelted across the path diving into the brush to forage. He let his breath escape his lungs and chuckled. He stood and brushed down his clothing. He grimaced at the state of them; his trousers were bunched at the waist and barely reached his heels. His shirt hung loosely from his bony shoulders. The sleeves were bunched up to the elbow, so he could use his hands freely. He was neither muscular nor big; you would even say he was weak. His brown hair matted down upon his forehead due to the hot and humid conditions of the day. His eyes almost matched his hair colour completely, if a lighter shade. He wiped his fringe back and away from his face, frowned and grudgingly made his way back to the 'bunks'.' Thank you for reading, and don't be afraid to give negative comments, I won't be offended of personal opinions.
Our pick of the answers:
Well it does need a bit of editing and the beginning also should have a hook of some kind. When you start, think 'today's the day that...' and fill in the blanks. Something new happens, something changes or the character has to deal with something. Two mistakes jump out right away with it, so it's food for thought when you go back to edit. Starting with any mention of weather, sun or sky in the first paragraph - let alone the first sentence is cliche. Please don't take offense to it, but it would turn a potential publisher off right away. Start with your character, not the weather. The second thing is 'Cedric waited. He waited...' when saying 'waited once is tighter. In fact, you could edit those two sentences together and start it 'Cedric knelt motionless on the dusty trail; waiting.' Then, I'm not entirely sure what he's waiting for. If it's the mouse, I'm not sure why - is he hunting? What is he doing there? You could edit the third paragraph too. Describe a character's appearance in the fewest words possible and get to the scene of what happens next. Always keep the character doing things, reacting to things, interacting with other characters. Inner monologue should be kept to a minimum in order to keep the reader's interest. It's the scenes where things happen to them, where they have to deal with things - that will hold your reader to the end. If any of that came across as negative, I didn't mean it that way. Those are just things I learned from writing workshops on how to make writing tighter and more involving. Hope it's helpful anyway - it's a good start, just keep working on it. Good luck!
Sharon asks…
Would you read my story?
The Step-Mum My 12 year old brother Henry and I were sitting in the lounge room watching The Simpsons on DVD when we heard our dad's car pull into the driveway. I glanced at the analog clock hanging on the wall and roughly guessed that it was 10pm, this was later than usual when dad went out on a date with his beautiful girlfriend Samantha. A few minutes later I heard dad and Samantha laughing and chatting in low voices, they entered the lounge room and stopped dead in the tracks when they saw Henry and I still awake. "Hi kids, I have some exciting news for you two" said dad brightly. He was wearing his only pair of black suit pants and one of his white shirts with a narrow black tie. Samantha was wearing a very short black dress that showed off her long tanned legs that seemed even longer with her strappy black high heels, around her neck she wore a silver necklace with a heart charm, her hair looked fluffy and blonde, a really really fake platinum blonde for that fact, I also noticed a gold ring with a huge diamond on her middle finger of her left hand. The ring wasn't at all that hard to miss as Samantha kept on moving her hand to touch her hair or scratch her arm. My eyes widened with shock, my shock quickly turned to anger. "YOU'RE ENGAGED!!??" I shouted. "How do you know?" asked dad. "Well she isn't being very subtle" "What do you mean, and she has a name" "Just look at her" I said and pointed a finger at her. Samantha was in the middle of smoothing her hair down with her left hand and when she noticed me pointing at her she stood as still as a deer caught in a cars headlights. "What? I like the ring" said Samantha feebly. I rolled my eyes. "So, what do you think about all of this Henry?" asked dad, Henry tore his eyes away from the television. "Huh? What's going on?" he asked. I threw my arms up into the air. "I'm going to bed. Goodnight Dad, Goodnight Henry, Badnight She-devil" I said and quickly scurried away before my dad could say anything. Once I got to my bedroom I retrieved my diary from under my mattress and decided to vent about what had just happened. Dear Diary Argh… I hate that she-devil girlfriend of dad's and now she is going to be my MOTHER!!!!! Like wtf???? I absolutely hate her! And dad even knows that but he still goes ahead and asks her to marry him. I think he doesn't like her either and that he is just marrying her because she comes from a rich family. Cause as u know my family is sorta not at all that rich. I'm not sure that Samantha has ever mentioned being rich but she sure as hell looks like it, always with her designer shoes, handbags and clothes. Anyways, I hope their marriage won't last that long and that she goes ahead and jumps of a… wait, what was that?? Oh crap, I think I hear dad coming up the stairs. No, that doesn't sound like dad's shoes they sound more like high heels, oh man the she-devil is coming up the stairs and I think she is heading for MY BEDROOM!!! I can hear the footsteps coming closer. I'm just gonna turn off my bedside lamp now and pretend to sleep. I'll write more later, bye. I quickly turned off my bedside lamp and started to do pretend snoring. My bedroom door opened halfway and light from the hallway streamed into my room, I opened my right eye a crack and saw the silhouette of Samantha standing in the doorway. "Stop that stupid snoring, I know you're not sleeping" said Samantha in an aggravated voice, she then flicked the switch on the wall next to the door and my room was flooded with light. I didn't want to prove her right so I continued to sleep. Before I knew it I was lying on my bed with no blanket, Samantha had ripped it off of my bed. "What the hell do you want?" I asked in a fierce whisper. "I don't know what you have against me but you better be good because next week I will legally be one of your guardians" said Samantha with a smirk. My mouth dropped open. "The wedding is next week??" I squeaked. "Yes, so enjoy your freedom because when I'm your mother your life is going to be hell" said Samantha with a look of satisfaction, she then turned around and strutted out of my room with her right hand on her hip and her left arm swinging by her side. Her engagement shined every time the light hit it. "You're not on a catwalk you wanna be model" I said snidely as she neared the door, Samantha turned around and I saw a gleam of anger in her eyes. "Wanna be?? Oh, I was a model for your information" said Samantha with her eyes narrowed. "Really? You sure don't look like one" I remarked rudely, though the truth was she did look a lot like a model. Samantha's eyes narrowed even more until they looked like slits, she opened her mouth to say something but before she could I heard dad's voice from downstairs. "Samantha? Is everything ok up there?" shouted dad. Samantha took a deep breath and her eyes returned to their normal state. "Just saying goodnight to Gabby" said Samantha in a cheerful voice, she turned aro btw, im only 13
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This is great, i want to read more
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