Maria asks…
Do you think children should know the truth about?
This famous wicked little tale Should never have been put on sale. It is a mystery to me Why loving parents cannot see That this is actually a book About a brazen little crook. Had I the chance I wouldn't fail To clap young Goldilocks in jail. Now just imagine how you'd feel If you had cooked a lovely meal, Delicious porridge, steaming hot, Fresh coffee in the coffee-pot, With maybe toast and marmalade, The table beautifully laid, One place for you and one for dad, Another for your little lad. Then dad cries, 'Golly-gosh! Gee-whizz! 'Oh cripes! How hot this porridge is! 'Let's take a walk along the street 'Until it's cool enough to eat.' He adds, 'An early morning stroll 'Is good for people on the whole. 'It makes your appetite improve 'It also helps your bowels to move.' No proper wife would dare to question Such a sensible suggestion, Above all not at breakfast-time When men are seldom at their prime No sooner are you down the road Than Goldilocks, that little toad That nosy thieving little louse, Comes sneaking in your empty house. She looks around. She quickly notes Three bowls brimful of porridge oats. And while still standing on her feet, She grabs a spoon and starts to eat. I say again, how would you feel If you had made this lovely meal And some delinquent little tot Broke in and gobbled up the lot? But wait! That's not the worst of it! Now comes the most distressing bit. You are of course a house proud wife, And all your happy married life You have collected lovely things Like gilded cherubs wearing wings, And furniture by Chippendale Bought at some famous auction sale. But your most special valued treasure, The piece that gives you endless pleasure Is one small children's dining-chair, Elizabethan, very rare. It is in fact your joy and pride, Passed down to you on grandma's side. But Goldilocks, like many freaks, Does not appreciate antiques. She doesn't care, she doesn't mind, And now she plonks her fat behind Upon this dainty precious chair, And crunch! It busts beyond repair. A nice girl would at once exclaim, 'Oh dear! Oh heavens! What a shame!' Not Goldie. She begins to swear. She bellows, 'What a lousy chair!' And uses one disgusting word That luckily you've never heard. (I dare not write it, even hint it. Nobody would ever print it.) You'd think by now this little skunk Would have the sense to do a bunk. But no. I very much regret She hasn't nearly finished yet. Deciding she would like a rest, She says, 'Let's see which bed is best.' Upstairs she goes and tries all three. (Here comes the next catastrophe.) Most educated people choose To rid themselves of socks and shoes Before they clamber into bed. But Goldie didn't give a shred. Her filthy shoes were thick with grime, And mud and mush and slush and slime. Worse still, upon the heel of one Was something that a dog had done. I say once more, what would you think If all this horrid dirt and stink Was smeared upon your eiderdown By this revolting little clown? (The famous story has no clues To show the girl removed her shoes.) Oh, what a tale of crime on crime! Let's check it for a second time Crime One, the prosecution's case: She breaks and enters someone's place Crime Two, the prosecutor notes: She steals a bowl of porridge oats Crime Three: She breaks a precious chair Belonging to the Baby Bear. Crime Four: She smears each spotless sheet With filthy messes from her feet. A judge would say without a blink, 'Ten years hard labour in the clink!' But in the book, as you will see, The little beast gets off scot-free, While tiny children near and far Shout, 'Goody-good! Hooray! Hurrah!' 'Poor darling Goldilocks!' they say, 'Thank goodness that she got away!' Myself, I think I'd rather send Young Goldie to a sticky end. 'Oh daddy!' cried the Baby Bear, 'My porridge gone! It isn't fair!' 'Then go upstairs,' the Big Bear said, 'Your porridge is upon the bed. 'But as it's inside mademoiselle, 'You'll have to eat her up as well.' Goldilocks. Written by Roald Dahl
Our pick of the answers:
Wow ! What a well written story! I never thought of some of these things but it is just a fairy tale. So...Goldilocks commits crimes of B&E, theft, (petty though with the porridge), Now the chair is a felony, as it is valuable, and in crime four, she is just a dirty girl and should wash up the bedding. I'll let the judge sentence her and change this whole story. What about Little Red Riding Hood? The wolf wants to eat her as he disguises himself as Grandma. Whatever shall we do to the big bad wolf? The beauty of fairy tales is that we can make them anything we want to be. How cruel is it to sing a lullaby to your baby, when the bow breaks and the cradle will fall? If the baby lives, this is child abuse and if it doesn't it's murder. Interesting!
Mary asks…
What is wrong with my grammar?
Apparently I have bad grammar when it comes to writing. I'm really over my head in editing and I can't figure out what's wrong/which sentences are bad. This has been a repeated comment about my writing and I really want to fix it. I even read and took notes on the Elements of Style by Eb White. Can you point out the a few sentences that have problems? (Oh and mention what the problems are), just so I can learn; I don't want a free editor just someone to point me on the write track. Feel free to critique too! Thanks! After two straight hours of shopping, my feet ached more than they did after any of my races. Sure the prospect of shopping wasn't that appealing to me, but when your mother shoves five hundred dollars into your hand and says you can buy anything, absolutely clothes you want, well… that's enough to make a shopper out of anyone. It was almost enough to make a shopper out of me. In fact, the five-hundred-dollar shopping effect did work for a while. Dresses, shirts, pants, skirts, even heels, that I'd never learn to walk in, flew off the rack and into the dressing room. The fact that the store was having a major sale only fueled my budding addiction. Two shirts for eight dollars, where else would I get such a great deal? Even though they were my least favorite colors, cough syrup pink and princess purple, and had a big sparkly heart sewn over the left pocket, I tossed them in with the growing stack of clothes. But my new wardrobe came with a terrible price, as replacements for my old wardrobe, as replacements for my room, as replacements for every last material possession left on the south side of our house, left there without a care, without a worry. You expect a shirt button to follow off or assume that a string or two might fray on your pant. You expect them the same way you anticipate fire drills. But a real fire? No, no one expects that. Fires are the things that happen on TV, in movies, page seven news articles. Fires don't happen to real people. At least they didn't used to. My brain started to throb from thinking too much and I moved onto the next stack of clothes. I pushed a shirt off the top that was too out there for my shopping craze, let alone for a normal shopper. There was something good in this stack of clothes, I could feel it deep in my bones; I just had to keep looking. Besides, if I kept busy, I wouldn't have time to think. I lifted two tee shirts and a pair of ratty shorts off the top. Just a bit further, I could almost see the unknown tee I was searching for. The corner stuck out from under a large winter coat, misplaced by a customer who was too lazy to put it back in the correct spot. So close. Almost there! A pair of jeans… a cardigan… then I could see it. My muscles contracted and my heart sunk. It was not what I was looking for. The shirt was precisely what I was avoiding in the first place. Fire.
Our pick of the answers:
I'll just go through it and correct a few things. For the most part, however, it looks good. Second sentence needs to be "Sure, the prospect..." Second sentence should also probably be broken up after me, remove but, and replace the sentence with: "However, when your mother shoves five hundred dollars into your hand and says you can buy anything, absolutely any clothes you..." Second paragraph, first sentence - you need to remove the comma after heels and after in. I think that's about it. Some sentences sound a bit odd to me, but overall it's fine. I'm not amazing at grammar though, so don't take this as law.
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