Laura asks…
how do you like this so far? (added more)?
I remember the day Cass moved onto James Street like it was yesterday. It was a sticky scorturing Saturday afternoon in July. Despite the unbearable heat, I refused to open my bedroom window in an attempt to isolate myself from the obnoxiously loud neighbors. I watched through smudged and dusty glass from across the street as the Friedman's were moving in. My mother had told me they were a family of three from the city, with a daughter the same age as me, Cassidy. I knew my mom was hoping that I would make friends with this unknown stranger; in fact, she made it a point to remind me that it would be so nice of me to show her around the neighborhood. I watched the family get out of their white van one by one. The father was tall and thin, his face entirely covered in a mix of gray and black hair, same as his head. He was wearing worn in blue jeans and a faded red t shirt, and seemed way too old to have a daughter my age. The mother emerged wearing a fitted black tank top and skinny jeans with black leather high heel boots. Her dark eye makeup made her brilliantly green eyes stand out from all the way across the street. She had a black bob with bright sapphire highlights that matched her long fingernails. She was eccentric and artsy, not the type of woman you saw on a suburban street like this. Every once in a while a teenager who was acting out would dress punk for a while, but never someone's mom. She was fascinating, the polar opposite of my mother. My mother was a home maker. She had a roast cooking in the oven and freshly made chocolate chip cookies on the counter at all times. She was meticulous, going around ensuring that our large colonial house was in perfect condition. This woman was going to be her topic of gossip for a long time, I could just tell. Finally, the daughter walked out of the car. She would've been beautiful, but she was snarling in such a way that it set off all of her delicate features. Her eyes were dark brown and inviting, like Hershey's milk chocolate, her skin light ivory. She was wearing faded jeans like her father and a tye dye t shirt. I found myself fingering through my dark brown waves of hair as I enviously peered down at her pin straight dirty brown locks. She crossed her arms across her chest and stomped towards the front door of her new home, slamming it behind her. I couldn't help but wonder about her too, and wished that we could be friends. But I knew a pretty, interesting girl like that would never be friends with me. I was a loser, and I knew it. I didn't know how to talk to kids my age, and I couldn't relate to other girls. actually, i wanted Cass to end up my main characters best friend, not the typical mean girl. i just wanted to potray that she was unhappy about moving to this neighborhood Thanks so much for the feedback! helps a lot
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I'm not saying it's horrible, but it all feels like I've read it before. You need to spend way less time describing everyone's hair, what they're wearing, blah blah blah, because that's not very important and makes for a clumsily-written story. Cass's family reminds me of, I don't know, Massie Block's family or something. Basically, the same family of every rich, popular, mean girl. Yes, I can already tell that she's rich, popular, and mean, and she's gonna bully your main character who just wants to be friends. Cass sounds very Mary Sue-ish. She needs to be a well-rounded, flawed person besides being a stereotypical popular girl. Try this: http://emarketing.radiantscientific.com/automation/89-writing/4626-writing-1001-character-quirks-for-writing-fiction.html To me, your main character is very plain and boring. She reminds me quite a lot of Claire from, again, The Clique. I take it you're going to use a similar plot to that book? One thing I like about it is the way you're *so* descriptive. I'm sick and tired of seeing stories that are like: "Hi,I'm Lauren," she said. "Wassup?" I answered. "Not much." She had brown hair. "That's cool, how was school today?" "Great!" "Okay, see you latr!!!!11" Overall, it's pretty mediocre, but you've got potential. Keep writing, you could be J.K. Rowling one day :). EDIT: To help determine if your character's a Mary-Sue, I recommend http://katfeete.net/writing/marysue.html EDIT: Oh, really? That's a good twist :D. Now you just need to flesh them out, and make her quit complaining about what a loser she is. Also, make sure there's twists and a troubling conflict; happy-go-lucky plots are very annoying. EDIT: BTW, how old are these characters supposed to be? I'm guessing they're 8-14. If they're older than 9, I recommend you tone down Cass's reaction to moving, because I doubt most older kids would throw a tantrum like that. Sorry for being picky DX.
Donna asks…
Everyone liked my outfit today! What do you think?
Everyone liked my outfit today! What do you think? Well I have a somewhat feminine style. I am a guy by the way. Anyways, like two of my friends who are girls and two cashiers I went to check out with said they liked my outfit. I was wearing this girl black jeans I got at Urban Behavior. Very fashionable jeans, they are skinny fit and in mid-ankle they widen up like a wide leg skinny fit. They make my legs look long and decently skinny. I was wearing this high heeled boots that also go to the ankle. They are from the girls section too but seem gender neutral a bit but you can only see a bit of them since the wide part of the pants hide them up. A nice designed purple t-shirt but you can only see some of it since on top of it I was wearing a black fashionable vest I got from Guess. A purple summer scarf, lots of necklaces, designed bracelets and designed rings. What do you guys think? The purple shirt covered my bum too since its fitted and long making the vest stand out more. People said it was a rare outfit but it looked good. I am stylish and fashionable. I can't put a pic since I have none but can this mean that I should be a fashion model? I tried to describe the outfit with as much detail as possible so I hope everyone can picture it well. A lot of girls liked my outfit. I am really pretty and good looking I ain't gay, just metro. People can wear what they want if it looks good.
Our pick of the answers:
Lol.
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