Mandy asks…
What do you think of this excerpt from my novel?
Gus Anderson's first day of high school began with a bang. That morning, Barbie Flenderson shot herself dead. "Did you know her?" Gus asked Beasley, his locker neighbor. "Everyone did," he said. "She was quite the, uh, social butterfly, if you know what I mean." Beasley started to hump his door locker. It was a tough morning to begin his foray into public education. After weeks of convincing his mother that Green Valley High School did not house thugs, troubled teens and minorities she nearly cuffed Gus to his bedpost when she learned from the morning news that a student, from his new school, had committed suicide. Before escaping through his bedroom window to catch the school bus, Gus did all he could to convince her that public education did not cause increase risk of teen suicide. He hoped he was right. His mother had resisted his move to Green Valley public school the entire winter break. Before he was expelled he had been attending the prestigious Emerald Caverns Academy: a private school for boys of wealthy parents. A club in which Gus was sorry to say he belonged to. However, his family was not rich enough to convince the dean to reverse the expulsion—which suited Gus fine. He hated Emerald Caverns and its ancient teachers and its itchy uniforms and its stuffy dorm rooms and, not to mention, the lack of female company unless you count the decrypted Nurse Nettle, who legend has it, was a nurse for the confederate army. Gus longed for public education and all of its…opportunities. When he did arrive for his first day at Green Valley High School, Gus had to wait before he explored these opportunities. The counselor's office was crowded with crying students. This was understandable. Not only did the school lose a student and friend, according to the Vote-4-Barbie flyers still posted on the wall, they also lost a presidential candidate. Gus removed his raincoat and book bag from his locker. Gus could smell bullshit. In fact, it was that special nose of his that had caused him to be expelled from his last school. It turned out that "The Man" did not appreciate Gus's interest in uncovering global (and occasionally) school wide conspiracies. But for Gus, staking out in Mr. Flannery's shower or drugging the school nurse to obtain private medical documents was worth it. The truth was always worth it. "She threw the sickest parties" Beasley continued. "Yup, we'll miss her a'ight." It was the end of the school day and students were still traveling in groups, whispering. Some were crying. Others were holding each other. They all clutched a copy of the morning paper. "Well, most of us will." Beasley pursed his lips as he looked down the hall. Four girls, all dressed in red shirts, bounced down the hallway elbow-to-elbow. The crowd in the hallway parted for them. The girls were without newspapers and frowns. "Who are they?" he asked. "Nadia, Natalie, Nat and Natasha," Beasley whispered. "They're Jawbreakers—the cheerleading squad." He stood gaping as they passed, his binder slipping from his hand and into the girl's path. "Everyone knows they hated Barbie." He picked up his binder admiring the heel print. Gus ran in to their type before. They were the girls who made you buy their lunch when they forget their purses. They were the girls who copied homework and tests from eager, helpful boys. They were the girls who stole loyal boyfriends from their naïve girlfriends. They were the girls who hated popular, pretty competition. But were they the girls who got rid of their competition? "You gave me a lot to think about, Beasley. Thank you." He unwrapped a cherry flavor Tootsie roll and placed it in his mouth. Gus followed the Jawbreakers into the parking lot. Gus imagined that on an ordinary day the parking lot would be busy with students, teachers and bus drivers honking their way out, but today was no ordinary day. Today, the noise and commotion was gentle. He followed the girls to a blue mustang. The thick armed driver who wore what looked like a letterman jacket stared ahead as they approached. He did not get out and they did not get in. Gus crouched behind a car. "Did you get it?" the boy asked. The blondest girl stepped closer and threw him a red booklet. The boy flipped the pages and smiled. "So how does it feel to get away with the perfect crime, girls?" he asked. The Jawbreakers immediately left with scowls on their faces . Gus wasn't certain if they were capable of murdering a student, but he did know this. The four girls who wore matching red tank tops and strutted down the hallway were not grieving the death of Barbie. Nadia, Natalie, Nat, and Natasia: they were the bad girls.
Our pick of the answers:
Great hook, if a bit cheesy with the play on words. I'm not a fan of the huge info-dump about Gus's old school and mom and stuff like that, but you do certainly have a way with words. The writing flows naturally and the overall idea had me curious where it was leading. The cliche-ness of the high school setting isn't too unbearable. (I actually was kind of enjoying it until the Jawbreakers showed up.) I have a feeling, though, that the Jawbreakers aren't really responsible for the death. It'd be too obvious, wouldn't it? Anyway, good luck with your writing. This is going somewhere.
Helen asks…
Is this as good as twilight? Please! I need some more opinions?
Gus Anderson's first day of high school began with a bang. That morning, Barbie Flenderson shot herself dead. "Did you know her?" Gus asked Beasley, his locker neighbor. "Everyone did," he said. "She was quite the, uh, social butterfly, if you know what I mean." Beasley started to hump his door locker. It was a tough morning to begin his foray into public education. After weeks of convincing his mother that Green Valley High School did not house thugs, troubled teens and minorities she nearly cuffed Gus to his bedpost when she learned from the morning news that a student, from his new school, had committed suicide. Before escaping through his bedroom window to catch the school bus, Gus did all he could to convince her that public education did not cause increase risk of teen suicide. He hoped he was right. His mother had resisted his move to Green Valley public school the entire winter break. Before he was expelled he had been attending the prestigious Emerald Caverns Academy: a private school for boys of wealthy parents. A club in which Gus was sorry to say he belonged to. However, his family was not rich enough to convince the dean to reverse the expulsion—which suited Gus fine. He hated Emerald Caverns and its ancient teachers and its itchy uniforms and its stuffy dorm rooms and, not to mention, the lack of female company unless you count the decrypted Nurse Nettle, who legend has it, was a nurse for the confederate army. Gus longed for public education and all of its…opportunities. When he did arrive for his first day at Green Valley High School, Gus had to wait before he explored these opportunities. The counselor's office was crowded with crying students. This was understandable. Not only did the school lose a student and friend, according to the Vote-4-Barbie flyers still posted on the wall, they also lost a presidential candidate. Gus removed his raincoat and book bag from his locker. Gus could smell bullshit. In fact, it was that special nose of his that had caused him to be expelled from his last school. It turned out that "The Man" did not appreciate Gus's interest in uncovering global (and occasionally) school wide conspiracies. But for Gus, staking out in Mr. Flannery's shower or drugging the school nurse to obtain private medical documents was worth it. The truth was always worth it. "She threw the sickest parties" Beasley continued. "Yup, we'll miss her a'ight." It was the end of the school day and students were still traveling in groups, whispering. Some were crying. Others were holding each other. They all clutched a copy of the morning paper. "Well, most of us will." Beasley pursed his lips as he looked down the hall. Four girls, all dressed in red shirts, bounced down the hallway elbow-to-elbow. The crowd in the hallway parted for them. The girls were without newspapers and frowns. "Who are they?" he asked. "Nadia, Natalie, Nat and Natasha," Beasley whispered. "They're Jawbreakers—the cheerleading squad." He stood gaping as they passed, his binder slipping from his hand and into the girl's path. "Everyone knows they hated Barbie." He picked up his binder admiring the heel print. Gus ran in to their type before. They were the girls who made you buy their lunch when they forget their purses. They were the girls who copied homework and tests from eager, helpful boys. They were the girls who stole loyal boyfriends from their naïve girlfriends. They were the girls who hated popular, pretty competition. But were they the girls who got rid of their competition? "You gave me a lot to think about, Beasley. Thank you." He unwrapped a cherry flavor Tootsie roll and placed it in his mouth. Gus followed the Jawbreakers into the parking lot. Gus imagined that on an ordinary day the parking lot would be busy with students, teachers and bus drivers honking their way out, but today was no ordinary day. Today, the noise and commotion was gentle. He followed the girls to a blue mustang. The thick armed driver who wore what looked like a letterman jacket stared ahead as they approached. He did not get out and they did not get in. Gus crouched behind a car. "Did you get it?" the boy asked. The blondest girl stepped closer and threw him a red booklet. The boy flipped the pages and smiled. "So how does it feel to get away with the perfect crime, girls?" he asked. The Jawbreakers immediately left with scowls on their faces . Gus wasn't certain if they were capable of murdering a student, but he did know this. The four girls who wore matching red tank tops and strutted down the hallway were not grieving the death of Barbie. Nadia, Natalie, Nat, and Natasia: they were the bad girls.
Our pick of the answers:
First thing I want to say is that you should strive to write something better than Twilight. Even though it is wildly popular, it is not the best written book in the world. Far from actually. [Edit] The very first sentence out the gate is an act of telling. Show us how the day started with a bang, don't tell us. The second sentence is a better point The voice is quite comedic in the beginning and you do use some vivid imagery. I like the part when Beasely picked up his notebook and admired the heel print. I liked that you didn't tell us they stepped on it, just implied. Have you heard of the new ABC series Pretty Little Liars? Well, I haven't seen it but the story line is very, very close to this. Four friends and a really pretty girl who ends up dead. The four are covering something up. Murder is a pretty serious crime and unless you're trying to make light of this I think you need a more serious tone. Starting off with the comedic Beasely lightens what should be a dark mood. Now, if that's what you're going for, great, but if not. You have several run on sentences. You're info dumping in the beginning. Find a more subtle way to ease in the back story. Be careful about cliche characters. You're on the border line already with the four girls and the one named Barbie. Overall, this is pretty well written. I see a lot of potential. The story line is interesting and I am interested in reading more. Keep working at it. Some help please: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ag5Y3oQGSifAeFoh7wBjND_sy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20100610055021AARnzqq
Powered by Yahoo! Answers
If you're interested, read more here Your Questions About Buy High Heels High Hopes Shirt
No comments:
Post a Comment