Lizzie asks…
My Fantasy Story So Far....?
I'm trying to write a fantasy novel and I was wonderong what people thought of it so far.... I would like honesty please... here it is: I look out the window. The wind seems to throw it's self at the house. Suddenly a branch from a tree hits the window and I reel backwards, afraid that it's going to go through the glass. I look in the mirror hoping for some sort of transformation. No such luck, I look worse then ever. My red, frizzy hair is sticking out everywhere from sleeping. My skin is salmon pink and on top of that I was chubby. No, not chubby; fat. I hate the way I look, but I have to try not to obsess over it. I go downstairs and find my mum in the kitchen. "What are you doing up so early?" I ask her, it was twelve, so I guess you couldn't really call it early but on weekends and holiday's mum and I stay in bed almost all day. "I think I could ask you the same thing," she looks at me questionably. "I was going to meet my friends at the park but I think we're just going to go to the shops. I mean have you seen what it's like outside." "Good point, ok you can go out," "Great, thanks mum" I grab my coat. "Wait aren't you going to have breakfast?" "Nah, I think I'll have something to eat at a café." "Okay then, I'll see you later." I shove on my coat and run out the door. I was already five minutes late. Its times like this that I wish I had a phone. Then again, I always wish that I had a phone, but mum was never the biggest fan of kids having phones. Luckily the park is just a few blocks away from my house. It's not the kind of park that you would imagine. It just has two swings and a rusty round about. There are bushes and trees but mostly it's just over grown grass. I see Lizzie and Jack waving to me. They're twins and do almost everything together. "You're here," they say in unison. "Yes, I'm here. Where's Allison?" I ask, "You know what she's like, she is always late," states Lizzie. "Yeah, she probably went into a shoe store because there was a sale," agrees Jack. Just then Allison walks over to us with a paper bag in her perfectly manicured hands. "Sorry I'm late, there was a shoe sale, and there were just the most amazing shoes that I had to get." We all laughed apart from Allison, who looked confused. "What? What's so funny," that just made us laugh more. Allison was a shopaholic and we all new it. "Right so, what are we going to do now?" asks Jack. "We can go to the mall." Jack groans but Lizzie and I agree with Allison. "But we always…" "Three against one, we win" I say laughing. "Great, to the mall it is," Allison sounds so happy it makes me want to laugh. "Didn't you just go to a shop, like, half an hour ago?" Jack asks Allison, "What's your point?" "Never mind," Jack sighs. We walk out of the park. The wind is blowing my hair so fiercely that when I get indoors it's going to like there was an explosion in my head. I wish I had hair like Lizzie. Her long, silky brown hair was blowing softly in the wind, unlike mine that was blowing every where. Lizzie wasn't skinny but she wasn't fat. She was more-chubby, but she was confident. I wish I had a body like Lizzie or better yet like Ali, she was curvy but in all the right places. We walk into the mall, "Lets get something to drink before we go anywhere else," says Jack hopefully. "Ok, great" I say. We walk over to our favorite café 'Viva La Coffee' and I order a strawberry smoothie. Jack orders some coke ditto Lizzie and Allison orders seven-up and a slice of double chocolate cake. That's what really annoys me; Allison can eat like a pig and never get any fatter. I stare at her enviously. "Stop looking at me like that Roxy, your making me feel like I'm eating a person." "Sorry, sorry. I'll stop now." After about fifteen minutes we agree, well Jules, Allison and Jack agree, that we will split up and shop by ourselves and in an hour we will meet up outside McDonalds. They want to buy me birthday presents. "But guys, what will I do for an hour, buy myself a gift?" I ask desperate for them not to leave. Well what do you think so far? Is there anything I can do to improve it? I know it doesn't sound like a fantasy story but something happens. I won't say what happens.... Also if i continue writeing this way do you think my novel could make it? thanks in advance =)
Our pick of the answers:
I personally couldn't get into it because your style is like a mix of first person and third. It doesn't sound like its being told strictly through first person which is what I think your going for. Just the first few sentences didn't seem to really flow for me. And you need more detail. Your simply telling us what is happening rather than showing us An example would be Suddenly a branch from a tree hits the window and I reel backwards, afraid that it's going to go through the glass. I look in the mirror hoping for some sort of transformation. No such luck, I look worse then ever. My red, frizzy hair is sticking out everywhere from sleeping. My skin is salmon pink and on top of that I was chubby. That just tells us what happens there's no real description. I would change it to say. I jumped and stumbled back into my dresser as something slammed against my window. A branch had been lunged at my window by that violent wind. I breathed a sigh of relief, putting a hand over my chest to ease my racing heart. Turning around I glance at myself in the mirror. My chubby cheeks were flushed bright red, almost matching the color of my red frizzy hair that seemed to stand on end. It was like I had seen a ghost. But no all I had seen was my reflection, which is just as frightening. Series of events is important too. How she goes out in a storm where branches are being thrown at windows by the wind doesn't seem practical. I don't think your novel could make it if you write that way. I'd read up on writing a bit find some prompts online to improve your writing.
Betty asks…
i need opinions... what do u think of these shoes... :o/ ?
i feel a little goofy but u all seem 2 give pretty good advice when it comes 2 this stuff. i'm a boot girl, stilettos, cowboy boots, ankle and all that, but i have this new job and i have 2 dress nice, its a junior sales/marketing associate thing. i need some cool shoes :o/ i wear a lot of black, 4 me it just makes it easier lol sooo i like these http://tinypic.com/usermedia.php?uo=Wgdt%2BeiJikMNIAMXJdvMmQ%3D%3D http://tinypic.com/usermedia.php?uo=Wgdt%2BeiJikPFh8VYD4CGag%3D%3D also i need the 411 on wildpair if any of u have their shoes, or if u've heard anything good or not. some places have shoes that r cool, sexy and stylish but rn't made well and either fall apart or really mess up ur feet and somedays i guess i'll b standing and running around a lot, so let me know what u think it will help :oP thanx :o) i sort of got drawn 2 j.cee and the "They don't look very professional at all." ewww. k, this is good. thanx :o/ i think i'll get these... http://tinypic.com/usermedia.php?uo=Wgdt%2BeiJikMNIAMXJdvMmQ%3D%3D and hold off on the patent leather strap 1s. j.cee is right those mayb cool 4 clubbing but not really professional. i wear a lot of pantsuits, i luv waist jackets and 3/4 suit jackets. anyway the 1s i like should b cool. :o)
Our pick of the answers:
They don't look very professional at all. :) Good idea, i think, to hold off on the strappy ones. I hope the ones you do get end up being comfortable for you.
Powered by Yahoo! Answers
If you're interested, read more here high heels
No comments:
Post a Comment